The Night Everything Changed

It was a day before my thirty-sevent birthday in 2022 and everyone in my house was fast asleep.  I got up and went to the bathroom and before climbing in bed, I reached over to grab some Chapstick and rubbed against my right breast, by pure accident.  Little did I know that my life changed in that moment.  I felt a lump.  The lump was hard, almost like a small bb from a bb gun, but I told myself that it was nothing and went to sleep.  I waited a few days and decided I should probably tell my boyfriend, who happens to be a radiologist.  He then discovered several lumps.  I decided not to freak out because I was young and had no family history, but I made an appointment at my OB's office.  They got me in relatively quickly and did an exam.  The NP's words were 'you have pretty lumpy breasts so it's probably nothing, but we will order a mammogram and ultrasound to be safe.'  As I awaited these tests I had several talks with my boyfriend without any worry, that if anything it was just a cyst.  I went in for my exams without much anxiety and without answers.  The exams came back inconclusive, so an MRI had to be ordered.  I started worrying a little just because I wasn't sure why I needed further tests if I just had lumpy breasts, but then again, I reasoned it as that.  So, I went for the MRI.  A breast MRI is one of the most uncomfortable things I had done at this point in my life.  I was not ready to be face down for an extended period of time, but I got it done.  Those results stated I needed a biopsy so of course I went ahead and got that scheduled.

The Night Everything Changed

Up until the night I received a call from the breast surgeon I remember saying there's no way I have cancer, I have no family history and I'm too young.  The last time I said that was the night before my surgeon called.  That call is one that I will never forget.  I had really bad service at that time so the first time I answered I couldn't hear her, I didn't know the number, and I was working so I just hung up.  The second time I answered rudely and had her on speaker phone.  There was a day off school and I was working from home, so my son was standing right outside my bedroom door; at this time, he was 14.  All I remember the surgeon saying is 'It's cancer, but treatable.'  Everything in the entire world changed for me that very moment.  I was upset about how I found out, how my sound found out at the same time, how I doubted I could ever have cancer, how I didn't educate myself more of the possibilities.  I just kept thinking, 'How? And now what?'

Processing the Unimaginable

Life got very real after that.  I was diagnosed with Stage 2, triple-negative invasive ductal carcinoma.  I was in the process of changing jobs, luckily my new boss was understanding as I am a mental health therapist and was going to need some of my own time to process my new diagnosis.  My father (well, at the time the man I thought was my father), died one week after my diagnosis and as they only child I had to settle all his affairs.  I then found out that I tested positive for the BRCA1 gene, but again HOW?  I had no family history.  So, I decided to do an ancestry test in the middle of chemo and all the pain associated with this new diagnosis.  I found out that my biological father was a man I never knew and that carried the BRCA1 gene.  I also found out that ovarian and breast cancer run heavily in my biological father's side of the family.  Again, I was left with the question of HOW?  I felt like everything I knew about myself was wrong and I wasn't sure what to do.

Choosing to Fight

The only thing I could was fight.  I fought my diagnosis by showing up for chemo every week despite the reactions, the low blood counts, and the negative feelings.  I fought for my kids and my family.  I decided that I could fight back to spreading awareness because anyone can get breast cancer, it doesn't matter how old you are or if you think you have a family history or not.  I spent so much time doubting I had cancer I never thought about the possibility that I had it and what it meant.  What it meant was that I had chemo for the next 8 months (12 rounds of Carbo, Keytruda, Taxol, and then AC and Keytruda), then a double mastectomy, and then thirty rounds of radiation.  It also means that my children have a fifty percent chance of developing the BRCA gene.  I also am at an increased risk for melanoma of the skin and eyes, pancreatic cancer, and ovarian cancer.  Cancer is the gift that never stops, it's a lifelong journey and a lifelong fight, but it's one that I will continue to fight.

Finding Strength Through Family and Friends

I am blessed to be looking back at the last three years as not only a survivor but a fighter.  I've been fighting for my children.  I recently celebrated my 40th birthday and the birth of my third child.  The child I was told I'd never have after chemo.  Life after cancer isn't easy, but it's possible.  It's not all pink ribbons but those ribbons are reminders of why awareness is so important.  I have many scars from port surgeries to radiation marks, to mastectomy scars and my breasts will never look the same.  I find myself feeling down sometimes as these reminders come up.  But, then I remember that I am lucky to be alive, and my scars are the key to awareness for others.  God never makes a mistake.  This battle of mine has been won so that I can help others.